Saturday, October 23, 2010

All by Myself

These days I'm finding I'm alone a lot.
I know it's just the timing of it all and that I'm not actually this hermit crab, loner of a girl but still, being alone is not always the most fun. Eric is on a 6 day shoot which means 15 hour days, and my job has morphed into me working bi-monthly which means I have this whole week off. Everyone else in my life has a job or goes to school or lives 1400 miles away...lame.
I came to Albuquerque with the sole intention of pursuing my dreams and partnering with Eric to pursue his. I'd say we've kept pretty busy. So finding myself with an ungodly amount of time on my hands has proved to be exhausting. I'm not very good at being by myself...
My default is to get freaked out...to not be okay with being by myself for fear that it means I'm a loser, or lazy, or that it looks like I'm those things to other people. For some funny reason, I felt like I needed to read a lot, or get in the car and go somewhere just to be somewhere. I'm a weirdo, I know, but I just haven't known what to do with myself.

But then...

On one of my "outings" I put my headphones in. I was at the noisy mall but could hear no outside noise, just the music in my ears. It was nice. I'm walking around and before I knew it, things changed. I went from being a little self-conscience, to me actually seeing the people around me. In those few moments, such clarity came and I was reminded of why I was here: It's not actually about me. None of it. Then with that thought came another. "Lindsay, you've been so caught up with everything else, that you've forgotten".
Once again with such clarity, I could see. I had taken my eyes off the prize. Him.

It's crazy how easy it is for me to get focused on stuff. Not bad or evil stuff, just the everyday, ordinary stuff. I forget about a God who is more than able and more than willing to not only meet every need, but to also exceed my every expectation. I get so caught up on all the other little temporary "prizes" like the paycheck, the gig, the movie shoot - in other words - the immediate and not the eternal. I forget that when I put all of my dreams and wants and worries on the back burner and make it all about Him, everything else will fall into place (Matthew 6:33). It's good to be reminded of that. It's necessary to be reminded of that.

Who knew?
Being alone enabled me to hear. To remember. It allowed me to get away from the routine, the "pursuit". I'm thankful for a week of lonely that has drawn me closer to His heart and breathed new breath on an old revelation.

Maybe all by myself isn't such a bad way to go : ).


P.S. It's the most perfect overcast day here. Fall has definitely been a long time coming! However, I believe that I have most definitely stumbled upon the perfect gloomy day playlist. Since it is absolute perfection I am obligated to share:
William Fitzsimmons
Gary Go
Luke Parker
The Edward Scissorhands soundtrack
Feist
Copeland (duh)
Coldplay (Parachutes)
Robert Plant and Alison Krauss
Ray LaMontagne
The Assassination of Jesse James soundtrack
Pat Metheny (Orchestrion)

You're welcome!

1 comment:

chris and annie said...

Hi Lindsey!! I just wanted to tell you hello and that I have been going through similar stuff. You are so right.. He wants our eyes to rest solely on Him. Thank you for the reminder.
I miss seeing you around....
<3 ya,
Annie C.